Let it be stated, for the record, that what follows is the examination of one Conrad Marlow, in relation to allegations made against Mr Marlow’s former employer, the anthropologist and sitting Member of Parliament, Jonathan Willard.
Good afternoon, Mr Marlow.
Good afternoon, sir.
I will add here that normally I would ask you, Mr Marlow, presently to raise your right hand and swear an oath. However, given your circumstance, I shall dispense with that obligation.
Thank you, sir.
Do you swear to tell the truth?
I do, sir.
That is to my satisfaction. Please begin by telling us how you came to know Mr Willard.
I was his assistant.
In England?
No, sir. In the African colonies.
And for how long were you Mr Willard’s assistant in the African colonies?
About four years, sir.
And, during these four years, what were your duties?
I was in charge of his administrative and academic affairs. Note-keeping, transcription, research.
Did you ever accompany Mr Willard on his field expeditions?
Yes, sir.
Would you say therefore that you were in a good position to know his activities, his predilections, his scientific tastes?
Yes.
And what would you describe as his greatest interest in the field of anthropology?
Rare tribesmen, sir.
Of a particular region, ethnicity?
No, sir. He cared almost exclusively about rarity. He even had a Swede once. Gustaffson, he was. But he’d never keep them long over the flame—before…
Yes?
…eating them.
[Gasps]
[…]
You mentioned he had a saying.
Yes, sir. He’d instruct: “Premasticate All The Brutes!”
[…]
What was his reaction when you confronted him about his man-eating?
He tried convincing me, sir. The taste, the nutritional yield. When that didn’t work, he—
Sorry.
Take your time, Mr Marlow.
When it didn’t work, he forced me into self-cannibalism.
[Shouting]
To eat yourself?
Yes, sir.
[Shouting]
How did you react to that?
I—I… threw up my arms in utter disgust!
Let the record here show that Mr Marlow is missing both his arms.
Every last bit of my arm flesh, sir. I regurgitated it all.
[…]
He also controls a company in England.
Presently?
Yes, sir.
What kind of company?
A joint stock company, sir. I saw it with my own eyes.
What is the nature of this company?
Oh, it’s most unnatural!
Unnatural?
He makes it with whatever’s left over from the tribesmen, sir.
I daresay I am confused, so let us return to the organisation. You said it was a joint stock company.
Yes.
Who are the shareholders?
It’s just him, sir.
That sounds like a sole proprietorship.
Yes, sir.
But, Mr Marlow, you just said it was a joint stock company.
That it most surely is.
Well—which?
A sole proprietorship joint stock company.
Explain.
He makes soup stock. Canned. Takes their joints—their elbows, knees—and boils them in the vats, then sells the liquid to the public.
[Retching]
Are you alright, sir?
Yes, quite. Under what trade name does he sell this stock?
Fruit of Human Kindness.