How To Speak To Cultists

Now that you are working from home, you need to be aware of the cultists in the neighbourhood. Given the global situation, they are aggressively recruiting. To avoid falling for their underhanded techniques, please follow these simple rules:

  1. Whenever you open the door for someone, ask them, “Excuse me, but are you perchance an unsolicited representative here to inquire whether I desire to join the Cult of Great Cthulhu?”
  2. Cthulhu is pronounced Khlûl′-hloo, which is tricky to say, so please practice by speaking the above-mentioned sentence aloud several times. Once you’ve said it three times without making a mistake, you should be sufficiently prepared.
  3. If the person at the door answers your question in the affirmative, say firmly and immediately, “I have heard about your cult, but I believe solely in science so I hereby irrevocably renounce all the gods. Except Cthulhu isn’t even a real god, so get lost!”
  4. Because you want to teach the crazy cultist a lesson and discourage him from continuing his recruitment activities, please also spit in his face. (It is considered obscene for a cultist to have a non-believer’s freely given genetic material on his face.)
  5. That should be enough to send the cultist away. However, if you wish to avoid such interactions altogether, we are currently creating a do-not-recruit list so please contact us with your full name and address and we shall make sure to add you to the list.

That is all.

Thank you for your time and patience, and may you and your loved ones remain safe in these troubled times.