“We have thus concluded our study,” Zoikal stated. “We now understand wholly the behaviour of rabbits.”
The Grand Chairman of the Interstellar Committee of the Development of the Uman Social Organism (ICDUSO) nodded. “And the applicability of the conclusions to the behaviour of umans, Dr Zoikal?”
“Grand Chairman, the—”
“Tenuous.”
The interruption was Borman’s. “If I may,” he continued after a pause, during which Borman rose and Zoikal, shaking, remained silent, “I would say that the study of rabbits, for the purpose of understanding umans, is flawed. To understand umanity, one needs to study umans—to experiment upon umans.”
“Such a thing would be unethical,” said Zoikal.
The Grand Chairman agreed.
“Therefore,” said Borman, “my colleague’s research has been a colossal waste of time.”
Zoikal reddened.
As somebody spoke from the back of the auditorium: “Rabbitisation.”
A hush fell.
“Identify yourself,” said the Grand Chairman.
“Nementhe,” the figure said.
“Continue, Dr Nemethe.”
“The problem, as presented, is the intransferability of a perfect understanding of rabbit behaviour to the perfect understanding of uman behaviour. A proposed solution, direct experimentation on umans, is untenable on ethical grounds.” She cleared her throat. “Yet there exists another solution: Rabbitisation.”
“Explain.”
“We understand rabbits. We wish to understand umans. The methods used to understand rabbits are unethical when applied to umans. However,” she said, “I see no ethical objection to the sameification of umans with rabbitry.”
“Rabbitisation,” said the Grand Chairman.
So it began.
Rabbits are of short stature.
They amputated most of every uman’s hind legs,
Rabbits hop.
before affixing organic spring-systems into the remaining stumps,
Rabbits have small forelegs.
truncated the arms, reattached the hands at the elbows,
Rabbits have long ears.
used skin from the disattached limbs to elongate the ears,
Rabbits have flat, twitching noses.
surgically compressed the nose, upsetting the nerves into a state of agitation, resulting in perpetual nasal spasm,
Rabbits are furry.
disturbed the hormonal balance to promote hypertrichosis,
Rabbits have twenty-eight aradicular hypsodont teeth, including six incisors.
performed a dental de- and reconstruction,
Rabbit brains weigh twelve grams.
and removed each brain, reduced it to approximately 0.9% of its original size, and replaced it in the skull.
When it was complete, and the post-uman rabbitised flesh sacks stood belittered upon the Earth in their degenerate billions, oozing blood-puddles and drooling, Nementhe identified an unforseen conundrum:
Rather than frolic and multiply in predictably leporine fashion, the post-umans remained decayingly stagnant, unwilling or unable to adopt the natural behaviour of the rabbits into which they had so precisely been remade.
The Grand Chairman thence summoned Nementhe before a plenary session of the ICDUSO.
“Your solution has failed,” he said.
“It is true,” said Nementhe, as Borman licked his lips and Zoikal smirked, “that the rabbitisation of umanity failed.
“The reason:
“Dr Zoikal’s knowledge of rabbit behaviour was incomplete.”
Zoikal—
“However,” Nementhe continued, “the ultimate goal has been achieved. Uman behaviour is now perfectly understood.”
The Grand Chairman stared.
“I say certainly: umans will statically deteriorate until they die.”