Tired of your self?

Feel trapped in the person you’ve become?

Try Valley!

Let the winds revive you!

—Valley (brochure)

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“…corporate job had made me into someone I wasn’t. I wasn’t a mean person, but my role demanded decisions. Then Valley erased all that, making me feel new again.”

—customer testimonial

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“…like psychedelics for the soul.”

—customer testimonial

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[recording]

$5,000 for the pair of them.

Yes, yes…

[/recording]

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“What is Valley? Valley is freedom.”

—CEO Marvin Chow

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“From Mali, at least initially. They’d buy Bella slaves from their Tuareg masters and fly them to Peru.”

“New technology? I wouldn’t call it technological. Valley didn’t invent anything. They merely unearthed something ancient, and commercialised it.”

—John Eldritch, whistleblower

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“…found in his Russian hotel room in what officials are calling a suicide.”

—Washington Post (“Valley Whistleblower Dead”)

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“It was beautiful. A real five-star resort. I’d never been so well treated in my life!”

—customer testimonial

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“I used to feel bad because of the things I’d done, how I’d treated people, you know? Not that I beat my wife or anything, but you know, little things. It was this constant, nagging feeling. Valley cured me of that.”

—customer testimonial

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“It was a complete experience! But, of course, the whole reason we were there was for the valley.”

—customer testimonial

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“It is my client’s position that his assets are irrelevant.”

“My client’s customers obviously considered it worth their money.”

“My client cannot speak to the location.”

“My client has no comment.”

—interview with Marvin Chow’s legal counsel

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“…has resurfaced in Pakistan.”

—Washington Post (“Valley Whistleblower Alive”)

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“We would force the slave into a man-made cave at the end of the valley.”

—J. Eldritch, Twitter

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“A perfect day. Sunny, blue sky. We were blindfolded and flown out to this gorgeously lush, green valley. A real reconnection with nature, with the very essence of man.”

—customer testimonial

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“Then they’d land the chopper and march the customers into the valley, far enough away so that they couldn’t hear the screaming from the cave. Then the wind would pick up…”

—J. Eldritch, Twitter

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“…so powerful and fresh, like evaporated spring water. I just closed my eyes, relaxed and let the wind peel my face right off.”

—customer testimonial

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“It didn’t hurt. It felt like taking off a facial mask.”

—customer testimonial

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“The wind was intense, and their faces whipped down the length of the valley, toward the cave.”

—J. Eldritch, Twitter

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“And I was a new me. I swear, it was like experiencing the world for the first time, like being myself for the first time: a rebirth. All the detritus of living… gone.”

—customer testimonial

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“We heard him raving—in a dozen voices—arguing madly with himself, even before we got there. But what I’ll never get over is the sight of all those bloody faces plastered over his like so many coats of paint.”

—J. Eldritch, Twitter

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“It’s successful because it works.”

—Marvin Chow

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[Account suspended]

—J. Eldritch, Twitter

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“Amazing!”

—customer testimonial

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“John Eldritch has never been a Valley employee. Fake news.”

—Marvin Chow